Where Love Exists, Fear Cannot

Trigger Warning: homophobia/transphobia

“I am proud to know you. Seeing you stand down hate with courage and resolve inspires me. XO”

A friend sent these words to me along with some pics she snapped on Friday after I spoke at the local Trans Day of Visibility rally and then engaged some protesters in conversation. She wanted me to see how she saw me, which was nice, because I mostly just see myself as a special kind of crazy. Continue reading Where Love Exists, Fear Cannot

I’m Not Pizza

“You can’t make everyone happy; you’re not pizza.”

I saw these words on a plaque a couple of months ago and I knew I had to have it. As a lifelong people-pleaser, I have spent the past several years learning the hard way that it’s simply impossible to please everyone. Add to that the fact that I love pizza and it became imperative that I see these words as a reminder Every. Single. Day.

My calling leads me to the center of discomfort on a daily basis. Enough outside my comfort zone where growth can happen, but not so far out that I require a blanket fort to cope. In this messy, awkward, super uncomfortable middle is where I’ve discovered that magic happens! It’s where I try to get others to join me in seeing the world in a new way. However, no matter how I try to engage people, I get judged by people standing outside of my arena who tell me I’m doing it wrong. I can be kind and empathetic. I can be hurt and pleading. I can be angry and confrontational (though rarely). No matter how I engage, someone always sees me as pushing away people who see things differently than I do. So what is left? Silence? I refuse.

Continue reading I’m Not Pizza

Growth, Change and Belonging

Several months ago I realized I’d stopped hearing God. I’d gotten so deep into the busy work of my calling that I just didn’t notice the absence until the silence became deafening. I began to occasionally pray for some sort of indication that I wasn’t alone and that I was still on the right path, but things were going fairly smoothly, so I wasn’t too concerned. Weeks passed and still, radio silence.

In the meantime, awful things happened. The Pulse massacre. The shootings of Philando Castille and Alton Sterling. The shootings of Dallas Police officers. I was strong for friends until there was nothing left. I felt tapped out, emptied, and still God was nowhere to be found. Continue reading Growth, Change and Belonging

Please Let Me SEE

As a seeing person, I imagine if you are blind, you must rely on the experience of others to tell you about the appearance of the sky. You must trust that there are infinite visible differences between day and night, sunrise and sunset, all without being able to witness the heavens for yourself.

Similarly, if you are colorblind, you might have to trust other people’s truth when they tell you that shades of color exist that you cannot perceive with your own eyes. It’s not that your experience of color isn’t also valid, it’s just not the whole picture. You can’t even be aware of what you cannot see if you rely solely on your own perception of color. At some point you might realize you need to be open to the idea that you cannot see what many others experience in a different way, and you might decide to let them teach you about the way they perceive color.

Now hold on to that understanding of depending on others to see and understand the world more fully as we shift to a different type of seeing. Continue reading Please Let Me SEE

Room for Everyone to Fly

A woman stood by her truck taking pictures of the gathering crowd. She smiled proudly and waved to our group that was trying to take a photo without a selfie-stick – not an easy task. I jogged over to her and asked if she’d take our picture. She excitedly obliged. When I went to retrieve my phone from her, her dark eyes glistened as she handed me my phone and pleaded, “Walk for me, please. I have a bad hip, and I want so badly to march but I can’t. March for me.” Continue reading Room for Everyone to Fly

I’m Taking a Knee

It’s hurting me that the majority of what I’ve seen from my white friends or other people on their posts is condemnation of peaceful protest by Colin Kaepernick and victim blaming for Black men who are shot by police with statements like, “He should have…” or “He shouldn’t have…”

Friends, that’s not how this works. If your feathers are ruffled about a peaceful protest but you’re not furious, hurting, or at the very least curious about the REASON for the protest, it’s time to check yourself. Continue reading I’m Taking a Knee

Fear and Loathing and Respect?

I finally decided to plant my flowers (that I bought on sale a couple of weeks ago) before they totally bit it in their little containers. While we were in the yard, digging in the soil, I scattered a few grass spiders from their hiding places among the rocks. Now, if you knew me more than five years ago, you might expect me to FLIP OUT. But the first spider to run across the grass in front of me tucked itself in a little hidey-hole and just watched me. I realized it wasn’t bothering me so I wouldn’t bother it.

When my husband came over to help dig the hole I told him to watch out for the spider and gestured at it with my muddy gardening glove. He, thinking he was coming to my rescue, raised his spade over it to smash it and for unexplainable reasons I put up my hand and made a loud negatory noise. (You know, the one you make to your spouse and kids that isn’t really spell-able, but sounds kind of like a buzzer.) He looked at me incredulously and I, as surprised as he was, said, “I don’t know why the hell I just did that, I guess I’m just tired of all of the killing, and it’s not hurting anything. Let it live.”

He shrugged and we carried on. For the rest of the planting I pondered how my phobia, my EXTREME fear and loathing had somehow over the past few years mellowed into respect for a fairly interesting creature.

Once upon a time I was about as arachnophobic as a person can get. When we moved into this house it was crawling with the biggest grass spiders I’d ever seen in my life. (Just ask my parents or best friend, Andrea.) I didn’t sleep for the first four nights in the house because of the fist-sized spider we found in the bedroom just before we moved in! Somehow over the years, though, I learned to be brave for my kids when they’d ask me to catch a spider and let it go outside. If there is one thing kids can do, it’s make you a braver, stronger person. I learned to not fear them but be intrigued by them. Before we’d let them go in the rocks we’d watch them in the little bug catcher. I started finding myself admiring the orb weavers that came around each summer with a little trepidation and a lot of awe.

So I pondered Glennon Doyle Melton‘s post about how proximity makes us less afraid of people and I thought, “Huh. Whaddya know. It even works with spiders.”

So there ya go folks. Get close to someone you’re afraid of, someone you loath and start to learn about them. And if you can’t do it for yourself, do it for your kids (or the WORLD’S kids). I promise keeping them in mind will make you braver and stronger.

P.S.- My newfound mercy for spiders does not extend to black widows, brown recluse or spiders that fall on me from anywhere. That would just be asking too much.

Voices: Molly – A Mother’s Story

In the first couple of days following the Orlando shooting, my mama heart ached with the parents who lost their children and the ones whose fear for their children was taken to new levels. To simply say that parents of LGBTQ kids had their fears for their child’s safety renewed would be an understatement.

Please take a moment to hear Molly Lavacek, the mom of one of my friends and colleagues, tell about her reaction. She originally posted it to her FaceBook page and with her permission, it’s now here for you to experience: Continue reading Voices: Molly – A Mother’s Story

Voices: Amy – Your Silence is Deafening

My friend Amy Flower (what a cool name, right?) wrote this post yesterday. Her post is like many I’ve seen in my feed recently, filled with hurt and even completely valid anger.

Please take a moment to hear Amy out and lean IN to her pain instead of turning away from it. I know it’s sometimes hard to look at someone’s pain. It can be as painful and uncomfortable as looking into the sun, but unlike looking into the sun, when you look away your vision will be clearer. You will see and understand things you didn’t see and understand before, and this is how we cultivate empathy and change the world.

Your silence is deafening. I see your lack of acknowledgment of the Pulse attack in Orlando, but watch your devastation over the toddler and singer from The Voice dying. I agree both are horrible tragedies, one a terrible act of violence. However, how can you completely ignore 50 lives being taken and over 50 more being changed forever? Why are you too busy posting photos of your everyday life or memes as if the world and our country’s history didn’t just change forever? There is so much action to be taken around this tragedy. If there is one thing we can learn from this, it’s that life is short. If you don’t have the dignity to show compassion or respect for the victims, then I don’t want you in my life. This act of hate is more than just another massacre, it’s a magnification of the injustices faced by a whole group of people. I am one of those people. My wife is one of those people. My friends are those people. My co-workers and some of my family members are those people. I see you. I see your apathy and it is absolutely crippling. Sometimes a lack of action and silence is far more hurtful than one could even imagine.

Living, Loving, Embracing the Journey